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Autumn's Twilight

Collections of the leaves of life

Letters To Albany, NY.

Hello again. It’s been a while since we talked.
I see you’ve moved on while I’ve been holding on.
Oh, do I hate being right.
I gave up without a fight. All’s lost, quite lost.

I’m happy for you, I tell myself, swallowing tears
that swim down my face. Why? I don’t know.
And you left her like you left me. Alone. In silence.

I felt you move. Left me tense, nervous, sending
wave after wave of protection, for I did not know.
I should be happy but I’m weeping.
She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know.

I will always miss the little boy inside of you,
the one who sang and was giddy when I told
you that I loved you.

I will miss the talks and the long late night
sleepy conversations and hearing your
soft snores. I will miss the moments that we shared.

Most of all, I will miss the dream that I bought
so dearly. Oh, I will miss the dream of us that
proved to be so delicate.

I wish you knew. Wish you knew how much
I’ve always been there, in the shadows, always
waiting, hoping, wishing for a smile.

I wish you knew I took it for real. Never a game,
this is my life, my soul. Never a game.
I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save you.
Now I must save myself.

Always a part of me you will be.
On these bones I will grow
On these bones I will build
I am strong. I will survive.

And I will love again.

I woke up missing a piece of my soul.

I woke up missing a piece of my soul.
Feeling just a ragged hole,
I looked and looked and looked for more,
anything to close that door.
No address of the thief,
not even a whisper of their feet,
but Oh, I know you who stole my soul.
I feel your mind touch and sway,
I feel the weight of the day,
the highs and lows all about,
and odd moments where you shout,
I respond without even a word or a look,
as my soul is somehow there because you took.
Maybe one day, you’ll find it an’ set it free,
but somehow I think it will never return to me.

Lock

good god, the world’s a mess
and here I am sitting in my nest.
I look to the right I look to the left
and all I can see is I’m not best.

If I was, I’d have never ran
nor beat my drum on the tram.
Tons of should of’s crowd me out
such is fate of this stubborn lout.

I found the chains inside of me
oh, how I weep without the key.
oh I’m a fool, oh yes a fool
famously as stubborn as a mule.

Is it need or is it want
or something more on this jaunt?
please let me beg, let me beg on my knees
to open me with your only key.

I am not there

The sting remains, clawing, tearing me apart
“I am not there” I whisper
Tears batter against the wind, the marks reappear
“I am not there” I whisper
Throat closes shut, choking as I gasp for breathe
“I am not there” I whisper
Light swims and twinkles fading into black
“I am not there” I whisper
Pain rings louder than my heartbeat, knowing I’m going to die
“I’m not there” I whisper
“I’m here in this now” I whisper curling my toes in the grass.

Invisible Prison

Tied this life is,
tied to rules you don’t see.
Unable to find the way out,
tied to a structure keeping her inside
keeping her —

I can never reach out to you
I can never touch you
I can never tell you how much
I can never stand up for myself
I can never do as I want, when I want, how I want.
I’m at the mercy of others,
balancing all their needs.
I’m not allowed to be myself.
No one likes her anyway.
Be a good girl.
Make everyone smile.
Make them forget.
Make them feel good.
Seduce them with your wiles.
Be the bad girl to be good.
Make them feel it, deeply.
Make them sigh, make them moan.
You’ll forget.
You’ll feel good.
Good is all that matters.

Tied by someone else’s desires.
Someone else’s rules.
Somebody else built the structure
keeping her inside.

Built to be pleasing
Built to be obedient
Built to be someone’s pleasure toy
Built as if clay
and made that way.

Mine

I miss that sizzling friction race in my veins
nitrous to my very lusts
whispers of “mine” growled in my ear
“Oh God” barely breathed out loud

Just a beat kept pounding on,
something passed from me to you,
“mine” caressing soft lobes
blushing red.

I breathe. Oh, I breathe.
Pinpoint and small.
The whole of everything
in every breath I take.

“Mine” God, those words sizzle,
as I swallow down and look up,
mute and breathing
seeing my whole world before me.

Recess

These words tickle between my fingers,
laying them out across the space
feeling the rise and fall,
the cadence of the sounds.
Joy it is to find the words,
building the puzzle,
one image, one word at a time,
teasing, caressing the language,
fingering deftly the deep metaphors
as I giggle playing as I did as a child,
for the whom I’ve ever written for
has been me.

Love Letters To the Dammed

Why can’t you just do as your told?
Be there waiting for me,
loving me constantly?
Why can’t you see
how much that means to me?
I need for you to be there
pouring out your love
any time I need it.
Don’t you dare break your promise
of loving me forever.
You can’t begin to understand my life.
The pressure I am under, so many
counting on me and it’s all mine to control.
You promised to be easy,
to be everything I needed,
when I needed it, how I needed it.
You promised to make me the God of your universe.
Don’t you dare take back your promise.
You can run but you’ll be back.
Again on your knees singing
my praises.
You know I am right.
You know I am your God.
You know I have control.
You know I have you.
You are mine.
I gave you purpose, duty. And this
is the way you repay me?
Bitch, you can’t be happy for anything.
Staying in the misery of your life,
crawling on your knees when I am
the happiness you seek.
Bitch, you can’t do nothing right.
That’s why I walk away
until you behave.
It’s simple. Do as your told.
Love me. Praise me.
Stay on your string
silently.

originally posted on G+ 27/6/2017

The answer why

The answer why

The day you choose a child as your bride
I lost faith in all you were and I as well.
Again I fell into the grips of my horror
as you joined the pitiful ranks of men like my father

Never knew she existed until that fateful day
you pointed and pointed and so I searched.
Your insecurities ripped open a world I knew not.

Unfaithful, deceitful, painful
should have driven me away
oh no oh no oh no
what of my word and bond?
Should have just kept on walking that day.

Oh I know this dance like the back of my hand.
Not the only man to play this plan
stashed toys on a shelf all yours
And I, what of I?
Not a bride to be, never a we

The day you choose a child as your bride
I lost faith in me
and it follows I lost faith in you.
Don’t give me yarn about how it’s okay
we both know she’s a kid

All I can do is shake my head
and wonder what the hell
is wrong with me!

I pick these troubled men
identical to my father.
Oh yes, I know I have soul wounds.
Deeper than I knew.

The answer why
good memories is not enough
because I do stand for something
even if I lose what I love.

My trust, breached.

originally posted on G+ 26/6/2017

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